This coming weekend, I will be celebrating my 50th birthday. I can remember thinking just how “old” 50 was when I was a teenager. Ancient almost. And it seems like just yesterday that I was turning 30, but the years keep ticking away… and here we are.
I’m not scared about it or feeling like this is the end of all my good living. In fact, I have realized when you get older and wiser, that’s sometimes when the really good living begins as you just make better choices for yourself and your loved ones. But I am stuck thinking that there are likely more years behind me than ahead of me and wondering if I have left a good story, a worthwhile story. I sure hope so.
Sometimes that idea seems so inspiring and freeing – that each day is new and waiting for what I can bring to it. And sometimes it seems terrifying – that there is so much out there waiting to detract me from God’s will.
What is my story? I’m a woman. I’m a daughter. I’m a mother. I’m a nana. I was a wife for many years. I’m a sister, friend, neighbor, employee, volunteer, teacher, taxi driver, maid, writer, photographer, therapist, leader, student. I am a Christian.
I’m someone who loves children, yearns for closure, isn’t afraid of spontaneity, laughs freely, and struggles with sharing my faith face to face with strangers. I’m someone who spends almost every day at my church but forgets to thank God daily for that amazing aspect of my life. I’m someone who grew up with Christ in my heart and has been blessed to witness the beginning of a love of Christ in others.
I’m Eve who gave into temptation. I’m Sarah who has waited on God’s timing. I’m Martha who worries over details instead of basking in His love. I’m Jonah who has run away from God when scared. I’m Peter who has denied my Lord. I’m the woman at the well. I’m one of the lepers. I’m a friend of the paralyzed man. I’m each one of the disciples in different ways.
Do any of these sound familiar? While we all think that our story is like no one else’s in this world, sometimes I think we share more than we realize.
God knows how my whole story goes, but I don’t. I know where I’ve been, but my choices on where I go from here aren’t yet written where I can read them. My life is a blank book in front of me. The pages of my book, once stained by sin, were wiped clean by Jesus coming to earth and dying on the cross. They’re now ready for my words, my direction, my choices.
Sometimes that idea seems so inspiring and freeing – that each day is new and waiting for what I can bring to it. And sometimes it seems terrifying – that there is so much out there waiting to detract me from God’s will. How can I make the choices to write a story that is worth telling, a story worthy of my Savior, a story worth anything? Have I been doing that for the last fifty years? I get stuck wondering and worrying about that at times. But I keep on trying.
My confirmation verse is Matthew 6:33: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be yours also.” Whenever I am staring at the next blank page in my story or stepping between the many roles that I play, I strive to think of that verse. That’s what I want for my ending. I want the kingdom of God. I want His righteousness. And for that, I need to strive to put Him first.
It’s not always easy when I am the jealous neighbor, the angry parent, or the shunned friend, but if I can find God’s voice in my heart and listen to it, I find a better story to tell. And I know that’s what He wants for each of our books.
What’s your story? Do you like the way it’s going? Or do you need to listen for that voice and toss in a plot twist to change the direction it’s heading? It’s OK to ask for help writing your story. That’s what God’s there for.
Dina Newsom
